Tuesday, October 23

a weird sense of loss...

When I was growing up, I never remembered my dreams. In fact, I had no "proof" that I actually slept at all. I'm legendary in my family for declaring at the wise old age of six that I never slept, and was awake all night long. My parents just laughed, but I realize that my problems with sleep have been around for a long time.

When I had Peanut, I wanted to co-sleep with her, but after a couple sleep-deprived-stumbling-around-in-a-haze months, I realized that a Squirming Little Furnace next to me wasn't a good idea, no matter how absolutely adorable she was. Those precious little toes? Not exactly what I want dug into my throat at oh-dark-thirty in the morning while her head is snuggled into Mister.

So I've never been a good sleeper. It used to take me ages to fall asleep, and if I woke up in the middle of the night, that was it. I was doomed to hours of reading / staring at the ceiling before falling back asleep. That's one good thing that Peanut has done for me - because I'm up so often, I've adapted to being able to fall asleep a heck of a lot faster! There is no time on the clock that sounds "too late" or "too early." 2:30? 3:45? Been there, done that a gazillion times...

One (unexpected) side effect of all this gallivanting around in the middle of the night is that I wake up duri\vng dreams, which means I remember (for a short time) what I was dreaming about. On Sunday night, I woke during the middle of a particularly enjoyable dream. It was an amazing mix of Brigadoon and some adventure, maybe like Firefly or something. I remember that I was going to have to save the whole town by my time-travelling escapade, which involved something about $1.32 being deposited into a cell phone account so that they would be paid up to date. But I remember having close friendships, a romantic interest, etc. It would have been a blockbuster of a movie!

The weird thing is... ever since then, all day yesterday, all last night, and even this morning, I have had a weird sense of loss that I didn't find out what happened. I miss the person I was in love with, and want to hang out with those friends. How odd. Mourning something I never had in the first place...

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